キングジョージ6世
出典: へっぽこ実験ウィキ『八百科事典（アンサイクロペディア）』
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執筆者は後で作業を終えるつもりでしょうが、やらないかもしれません。 彼らは、まあ、ちょっと怠惰なんでしょう。だからその……、いいから放っておいて！ 注意：本項が7日間編集されなかったら、執筆者は麻薬を吸っているのかもしれません。 | |
~ キングジョージ6世 について、キングジョージ６世 お世継ぎに対して
~ キングジョージ6世 について、エドワード８世 猫に転生される前の最後の言葉
キングジョージ６世陛下 （またの名をアルバート・フレデリック・アーサー・ジョージ・ウィンザー）(１３３７年１２月４日– ) とはウィンザー朝第３代の大英帝国皇帝であり、その統治期間は１９３６年１２月１１日に即位なさってから１９５２年２月６日に崩御されるまでの１６年に及ぶ。陛下は火星人の地球侵略期を通して発揮なさった卓越した指導力、およびいかなるものをも動物、野菜、石ころ、飼い猫などに変えてしまうという魔法によって知られている。さらに、陛下は英語版アンサイクロぺディアでは管理者の一人として活動なさっていることでも知られている。
| 大英帝国皇帝キングジョージ６世陛下 | |
|---|---|
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| 国籍 | 大英帝国 |
| 性別 | 男 |
| 統治国 | 大英帝国 |
| 前の皇帝 | エドワード８世 |
| 次の皇帝 | エリザベス２世 |
| 母親 | 公爵令嬢 |
| 父親 | キングジョージ５世 |
| 光度 | ４０００ワット； 最大値は不明 |
| 現在地 | バッキンガム宮殿に潜伏中 |
目次 |
[編集] 幼少期
未来のイングランド国王は1337年公爵令嬢の子供として生まれた。彼女は後に、「私の子供たちは全員失敗作でした。理性的で聡明な人物になるように育てたつもりなのですが、みんなろくでなしのくそったれ芸術家になってしまいました…ジョージを除いて。ジョージはもうとんでもない出来損ないだったんですよ…」と述べている。 彼が生まれた時、ニューヨークタイムズ を含む信頼に足るマスメディアは彼の誕生について、「天国が姿を現し、一筋の光明が彼に降り注いだ。まるで光が彼の前途を祝福しているかのようだった。」と報じている。彼の持つオーラの出所は不明であるが、この出来事こそが彼の恐るべき力の源であるとまことしやかにささやかれている。しかし、これについて大っぴらに尋ねた愚か者たちはみな国王とその愉快な仲間たちによって猫に姿を変えられてしまったと言われている。しかし一方で、その現象は単なる偶然にすぎないというものや、彼のオーラは彼の持つ力について何かを示しているわけではなく、単なるオーラにすぎないという見解を持つ専門家もいる。
彼のすさまじいパワーは誕生後すぐに明らかになり、かれの幼少期は主にそのパワーを使いこなすための訓練に費やされた。Foremost among them was his ability to turn things into kittens with a flick of his hand, a power passed down in modified (and many kitten huffers would say, improved) form from his mother, who was herself able to transform humans into sheep and goats. He devised many methods to help him channel his powers, including practicing transforming mundane objects such as rocks, churches, and ducks into kittens (which were donated to the Kitten Huffing Paupers' Society) and target practice with a railgun, which was his preferred personal weapon instead of the traditional lance with a brick on the end. He was known among childhood friends at the rifle range for the expression, "Boom, Headshot!" later to be copied by some chap named Doug.
However, it was a long, difficult road to achieving perfect control for young George. Even into his teenage years, he occasionally would accidentally turn silverware, old-age pensioners, or errant Nazis into kittens. While this made him a favorite in kitten-huffing circles in elementary school, it often proved disruptive to the learning environment. Eventually, however, George brought his powers fully under his control and vowed to use them to serve his future subjects.
[編集] 軍務時代と同胞の危機
After several years of training his superpowers for military use, George was appointed a Commander in the Royal Navy by his mother. During the English Civil War, which saw the forces of Ronald McDonald pitted against Burger King in downtown London, the King (then the Duke of York) bravely lead a detachment of Royal Marines that ultimately defeated both sides and, in so doing, greatly reduced national obesity figures. His personal bravery in armed combat was firmly established in the Battle of Savile Row in which he single-handedly wiped out the entire 666th Battalion of Ronald McDonald Clones with his railgun and reduced three Burger Brigades to kittens. He returned to Buckingham Palace hailed as a hero by all the citizenry. His mother remarked at the time with a sly grin, "They were all over him. Essex girls, Continental princesses, highschool girls, magical girls, you name it. They all wanted my little George. But he wouldn't have any of it. All he wanted to do was blow stuff up."
Indeed, it was often privately remarked that it was unfortunate that this fine young man was not the Heir Apparent to the throne. His indolent brother, Edward, had, by bribing George VI's stork to fly through the Bermuda Triangle before heading to England, beaten him in the order of birth. It is said that George never discovered this act of treachery; indeed he most likely did not, for he would have certainly turned his brother into a kitten had he known. However, another source, the eminent journalist Jayson Blair, attributes the expression "I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle" to the King, and the logic of the attribution is undeniable. Historians have yet to crack this enduring riddle of history.
[編集] 廃位の危機
Though George attempted to get along with his brother as best he could, the latter's constant plotting and collaborating with Adolf Hitler and John Kerry was too much for the Duke of York. Though the substance of their schemes has never been fully revealed, one line leaked by a Berlinlandstanish spy, involved "a full ban on kitten huffing." Edward inherited the throne in a no-reserve eBay auction in 1936, and the incriminating piece of evidence relating to his opposition to kitten huffing was revealed some months later, causing an uproar in the press. The Hourly Telegraph charged that "In this day and age, to oppose kitten huffing is to oppose the very foundation upon which the modern English state and institutions are built; to oppose kitten huffing is to oppose Britannia, and thus to commit high treason." Unfortunately, it was difficult to argue that King Edward had committed an act of treason against himself. The legal nightmare that would have been "The Crown vs. The Crown" never materialized.
However, numerous authorities, including the Archbishop of Canterbury, Parliament, and renowned constitutional scholar Elvis Presley agreed that it would be impossible for a known opponent of kitten huffing to retain the throne if he were to attempt to carry out his explicit plan to enact this law concurrent with a combined invasion of Hitler into England and John Kerry into the jungles of Cambodia, where many of the kitten ranches of the day were located. Edward, still bent on his evil goal of denying British subjects the pleasure of huffing, was forced to abdicate the throne and George succeeded him.
[編集] 火星人の侵略
The new king had hardly got time to inspect his Grenadier Guards when a new threat, the Martian Invasion, arrived. The Martians, had the head start, of course, and in a matter of days had laid waste to most of Africa and Antarctica and were fast approaching Greenland. France reacted first, sending legions of troops armed to the teeth with poles and white flags to find and surrender to the Martian marauders. The United States was only protected by its ballistic nuclear deterrent. President Coolidge called upon the "special relationship" with Britain and its Godlike King. George VI immediately promised that he would aid the wayward former colony and arrived personally in New York on the battleship HMS Executor, escorted by the aircraft carrier HMS Pwnage, the heavy cruiser HMS Huffington and fifteen Whiskey-class destroyers. He also brought the units of the Black Watch, the Blue Watch, the Queen's Dragoon Guards, the SAS, the London Metropolitan Police SWAT team, and forty experts in advanced kitten huffing tactics from the Royal College of Feline Inhalation.
The attempted Martian attack on the Empire State Building, depicted in the Martian propaganda film Independence Day, never actually happened as portrayed. Climbing to the observation deck with a platoon of his best artillerymen, George stood smack in the path of Martian general Ghengis Khan's flying saucer and turned Khan into a kitten, then blasted the UFO with his railgun. This caused the saucer to go flying wildly out of control in the direction of the Soviet Union and is considered a cause of the Chernobyl nuclear "accident". The Soviets are rumored to have covered up the incident because of sheer embarrassment that their plan to destroy the evil capitalist bourgeois United States was foiled with a flick of the British monarch's hand.
Khan's other saucers, stunned and angered by the annihilation of their lead ship by a single Earthling, moved into attack formation but were quickly brought down with a spirited counterattack by internet popups. This contribution is, incidentally, the only reason AOL's headquarters have not been stormed by angry mobs. Seeing that the downed Martians were attempting to escape their spacecraft and blow up everything they could find, George VI and his men (women, too) hurried back down the skyscraper. Once at the surface, they quickly neutralized the Martian crews and ordered a massive cooperative NYPD-Mafia huffing operation to secure the city. As upstanding mob businessman John Gotti later said, "He was like family to me. He makes a good offer for the both of us, and I take it. We're business friends in La Cosa Nostra, this thing of ours."
Thus New York was saved from the Martians. President Coolidge awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Medal of Honor to the King and Congress made him an Honorary Citizen of the United States. He was also given a ticker-tape parade through Wall Street and an honorary doctorate in Comparative Wine from New York University, returning in triumph to London the following week. It is most likely that he would have been awarded the Victoria Cross for his actions, but thought it improper to present such a decoration upon himself. His Deputy Secretary Tina Fey later recalled, "He was very modest about the whole thing, you see. Saved the world and got back in time for tea, and all that. Didn't talk about it much except to remark on how good the spaghetti was in New York."
[編集] 陛下の反撃
The chaos on Mars after the failure of the invasion resulted in a coup d'etat that brought the Martian Tourist Party to power. Seeing a weakness in the new government, the King ordered a massive counterattack, marshaling 300 Star Destroyers, innumerable X-Wings, and two Death Stars to attack Mars. The fleet crushed the Martian space force at the Battle of Deimos and bombarded the planet for four days, four hours, four minutes, and four seconds destroying all of its major population centers and setting the Martian Kingdom back 5000 years.
According to embedded journalists aboard ships of the fleet, George VI often personally controlled entire turbolaser batteries and was indisputably credited with the destruction of 24 enemy fighters at the beginning of the Battle of Olympus Mons, making him a quadruple ace in the first half minute of the war. It is not known how many more hordes of Martian troops he turned into whimpering oxygen-starved kittens with mere waves of his hand, but the number is certainly in excess of Avogadro's Number multiplied by Pi.
George VI regretted his inability to completely neutralize the Martian threat for years afterward and never failed to forsee that the fighting could resume again; indeed, for the rest of his life he worked to maintain the Royal Starfleet in a state of constant readiness and it owes most of its prowess to his efforts. The cities of Liverpool and Manchester currently have thriving starship industries thanks to military contracts ordered by George VI.
[編集] 不審な死
The King supposedly died of lung cancer on February 6th, 1952. However, the King being completely immortal, this is utterly impossible. It is often speculated that he staged his death in order to escape the media attention that had begun to pile on excessively. Shortly before his "death," the King remarked, "If these reporters continue their bloody carryings-on I shall soon be killed in a violent car accident in a tunnel pursued by a lot of them. And everyone will be devastated, and someone'll build a bloody fountain that doesn't work properly. I can't let that happen."
His body (widely believed by historians to be a wax dummy) was buried in Winchester Cathedral, where Petula Clark sang at his funeral. The King is suspected to be in hiding in secret apartments of Buckingham Palace, advising his daughter Queen Elizabeth II on how to prevent another Martian invasion. However, it is rumored that the King will emerge from his self-imposed isolation to lead the forces of Earth against Martian hegemony should the need arise. Until then, we can only hope for his glorious return, and peer at grainy photos published by the tabloids purporting to show His Majesty surfing the Internet, editing Uncyclopedia, listening to his iPod or watching Seinfeld.
[編集] 伝説と遺産
The Martian apocalyptic legend fortells the return of George VI to wreak his vengeance upon all of Mars, utterly destroying the Red Planet, euphemistically referred to by Martian politicians as the "undesirable forced merger with the Asteroid Belt." It is therefore common to hear Martian parents warn their children, "If you don't behave, King George will huff you!" This, in fact, is a base slander upon the King, who never once huffed anything, leaving this necessary but arduous task to his aforementioned followers. Nevertheless, the admonition never fails to have its full effect on young Martians.
